Sketchfest Plug!!

This Saturday, January 9th at 7:00 PM, be prepared to ring in the new decade with some good ol' fashioned teachin'! And who better to learn you than a little old lady who knows a little something about life?

That's right, Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School is back in session!

Asses in seats, my friends. Here is Sketchfest general info, and here is the performance schedule for the festival. If, for some ungodly reason, you had to miss the full run then now is your chance to redeem yourselves!

Yaaaaay!

MRS. GRUBER'S DING DONG SCHOOL

Slightly abridged and ready to school Sketchfest

Saturday, January 9th at 7:00.

Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival

Theatre Building Chicago

1225 W Belmont Ave

Chicago IL

For tickets call the Box Office at 773-327-5252

1 More Year Down, and an Unknown Amount of Time To Go

So I get to have the first Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve double wang bango on this here ol blog for the first time in it's history. I think. Can't remember how long ago we started this blog, and damned if I'm going to research it. You may think I would do some funny blog about New Year's Resolutions but those type of things are over done and most resolutions don't hold true anyway and those that do would scare me into thinking I was some sort of future seer or something. So instead I am just doing some stream of consciousness writing. I won't be going ack to fix or edt anything nor will I be running spell check or grammar fixit or anything else for that mater. This is it - the raw realness of realness. I eard that James Joyce writes like this, or at east he did while he was alive. I foyu have ever read one of his books you will know it to be true. I remember in AP English (that's "Advanced Placement" - that's right, I was a smart one. Would have been really smart if I applied myself ) I remember in AP English we had a proect where our teacher gave us a list of boks and we would choose which book we wanted to read. Then you would get in a grou with other students that picked the same book. You would have to read a certain number of chapers or pages at home, and then n class you would get together with your group and discuss the previous reading from last night. I guess I could have saved some time by saying "In AP English we had a bok club", but to late now. S I asked the teacher "What is the most difficult book to tackle on this list" and she told me "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce. So I said "I want to do that one". I was - scratch that - for being a pretty big slacker/coaster in school I for whatever reason used to like challenging mysef from time to time, which is why I tokk all the AP classes instead of opting for just the gen ed studies. In what I think was 3rd or 4th grade reading class (an advanced reading class) we had to red several books and a student would pick out which book we had to read. Once that one was done a new student got to pick out the next book. When it came to me I picked out "The Last of the Mohicans", which was the longest book I coud find on hand. The teacher was pleased at my gumption. The rest of the students vetoed the idea completely. So some other friends, I think 2 others, said "Yes, I would also like to read the most difficult book on hand". I won't say thi was a mistake, because I did like the bok and the experience, but ever y class went pretty much the same way. We got n our groups and me and the other James Joyce readers stared at each other for a couple moments and went "I have no fucking idea wat I read last night. This is a tangled garbled mess". But we got through it and I'm glad I did and I remember getting like a 95% or perhaps even a 100% on my final report. So hooray for that. Also the teacher wanted to make love to me. Seriously. It was never a real issue and she neevr persued it or anything like that. There was never any awkward brushing up against each other moments or quiet stay after class olone together moments or anything like that, but the attraction was there (more so on her side. I was young and a boy and if you didn't look svelte i probably didn't care to stick it in you which I didn't end up sticking into anyone in high school so my bad there. I did try to seduce a really cute student teacher once and I actually think it went well and I could have probably sealed the deal except for the fact that I am awkward as hell with women when it comes to actually hitting on them or asking them out or asking them for sex. I'm just to blatant about it really. Did I have a parethesis earlier that must be closed now? Can't remember. Well might as well) So I did well in Ap English. A few ears later I ran into my old English Lit teacher at an outdoor free concert. Cooincidentally it was the same day I was auditioning for something called "improv" with a group called ComedySportz. This was n Buffalo. My Enlish Lit teacher, one of the first things he sadt to me was "You know, ***** still wants you" I say "I know" He say "Carnally" I say "Yup" I left the teacher s name ut for whatever's sake. I also took AP History. Loved the teacher, ated American History. I almost failed that one. Well, not really I guess. I passed and got college credit for the course (this was still in high school. We had special prorams and such) and I also tok the AP final test. That was the thing. With an AP class the class was primarily there to prepare you for the AP final test and the test scored from 1 to 5 and if you did well enpgh (at least a 3) a lot of colleges would accept that as college credit so you could skip some of your gen ed classes when you went to college. For AP History they just started implementing a thing where you could actually just pay for the course , like you would pay for credit hours for a college course, so if you passed the course it was just the same as if you were to pass the course while being in colege. So I did that. So by paying for the course I didn't even have to take the final AP test. I had already got my college credit for it. But I took the test anyway, because smetimes I liked to challenge myself. Can't remember what I got on it though. It may have been a 3, but was probably more likely a 2. I just ddn't cae fore American history. I took it because t ended up being free. You had to pay for these AP final tetsts, like college credit hours. In AP history we did a fundraiser type thing. We sold gourmet lollipops. They were delicous. I htink the were like 75 cents each or something, maybe a dollar. I remember trying to come up with different marketing techniques because only your sales counted towads your test/pseudo college credits. It wasn't like we pooled them all together. for the whole class. So I would do a buy one get one or 2 for $1.50 or something like that. My favoirite, and best, plan was to give away coockies. We were selling them around Valentine's day so one night I made a whole bunch of heart shaped frosted sugar cookies and brought them to school. A free coockie went to anyone who bought a lollipop. I raked it in that day, and I remmebr one fellow student actually got very mad at me, even complained to the teacher, that I was cheating or it wasn't fair or something. Luckily the teacher was on my side in the argument "It's just good marketing". So I ended up getting the college course credits for free, as well as making anough extra to pay for the AP final history test, which is one reasone I decided to take it judt for the hell f it, and I also ended up with enought to pay for my cap and gown for graduation (I think that was a seperate drive, but still with lollipops). The girl that accused me of cheating was a girl I wanted sex with. I think it was worth it for the free college credits. I got away with a lot of stuff in high school I think because most of my teachers loved me. I did get into a pretty heated verbal argument with an English teacher once. Most of the class was gone on a trip or something so only like 3 of us were there. This may have been 8th grade though. Anyway... maybe 9th. Anyway this teacher was a fill in. Our previous teacher, who we loved, took a job in a different grade near the end of the year. So this new teacher came in to finish the year out. We did not like him, partly because he was a bit of a douche but mostly because he wasn't prepared or geared up for us. We were the smart ones. f the school. He used to just gives us dittos, which pissed us off. We weren't challenged and we hated that. So there was a lot of classroom tension. So at this one day there was only like 3 or 4 of us nin class. He let us spend the whole time - almost the whole time - just chatting and hanging out. Then with like 10 minutes left in class he decides we all need to sit down and read the next couple chapers of whatever book we were reading (Lord of the Flies I think). Laundry break. So he tells us to start reding and I start to argue with him because he has let us chat and relax the whole class up to this point and if we start reading furthr into the book we are going to be ahead of everyone else because this partcular reading assignemnt was not previously assigned and our other classmates wuld not have known to reas ahead and this project we were on relied heavily on us all being on the same part of the bok. So there was some shouting back and forth and perhaps some hurting of each other's pride and I threw my bok at one pooint and in the end we all sat there for like 5 minutes a read quietly until the class period ended. I also almost got into a fist fight wth the basketball coach in high school which was extra strange since I did not play basketball and was not involed with the team in any way. So things were fun in high school sometimes. My friend took the Ap physics test while on Acid and did very good. It wasn't AP though, that's right - it was just plain old physics. It was an advanced class, but not AP colege credit type. I need to starte getting ready so we can start the New Year's Day. Starting with going to see Avaatar in Imax 3D. Happy New Year.

Topical Sketch Writing

Welcome to another lesson on the art of sketch writing. Today we discuss topical sketch writing. Topical sketches are the backbone of television programs like Saturday Night Live and My Favorite Martian. A topical sketch includes two vital elements: a recent news story and a dick joke. Let's use a recent news story - the Pope being tackled at the Vatican. Here is how we turn that into a topical sketch:

The Pope Gets Tackled
December 25, 2009

Characters: Susanna, Margaret, Pope Benedict XVI

(The Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI is walking down the aisle. Susanna and Margaret are in the crowd.)

SUSANNA
Look! There's the Pope.

MARGARET
You should knock him down.

SUSANNA
Ok.

(Susanna jumps the barricade.)

MARGARET
Pull him down by the dick!

POPE BENEDICT XVI
Meine wurst!

(Lights.)

Good luck and good writing!

A Christmas Eve Wrap Up

Merry Christmas Eve! And to all my Jewish friends and friends of many other faiths; get on board with Christmas you jack napes! It's the coolest!

So starting the day after Thanksgiving I used my facebook status updates as an advent calendar. The first day started with "Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve..." and so on. There was one "Eve" for every day from the current date through the actual governmentally recognized traditional Christmas Eve. I did it the first day as a joke nodding to the insane practice of pushing Christmas on people earlier and earlier each year by the marketing departments of various corporations. This year there was a radio station that actually started playing Christmas music 24/7 three or four days before Thanksgiving.

Side bar: I don't believe that the world will end December 21, 2012. I do believe that December 21, 2012 is the date the United States will officially announce that Thanksgiving is no longer a national holiday.

After I typed out all those "Eve"s on my first post I thought it would be fun to simply post the same basic message each day, but each day I would remove one "Eve" thus bringing it to the correct number each day. It became my my 21st century version of the Christmas chains I used to make as a youth. I also thought it would be interesting to see what types of comments people would post while this modern day Advent calendar got shorter and shorter each day. And finally I wondered if I could resist putting up posts like "Been in the mall all day. Wow, I didn't know feet could hurt this much! LOL!" and stick to doing just one post each day with the exact same theme.

So now it is Christmas Eve, and tomorrow the chain ends. Since today is my day to blog I have decided to share all of the comments people have posted throughout my Advent calendar experiment. I'll leave their names out, but will include the dates. I find some of the comments/reactions very interesting. I apologize for the font craziness that happens in the preceding dialogue. It's christmas Eve, and I don't want to spend the time trying to fix it. I gots family to visit. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

November 27:

Very Smart. I like it.

plus six more eves for new years'

November 28:

*Apparently I missed a day accidentally. I noticed my November 29th post came at 5:00am, so that kind of explains itself I guess.*

November 29:

1 person "likes this"

I see where this is going

I do too Lisa....and I'm a little worried about Geoff

November 30:

I'm looking forward to your status on Dec. 26th.

--I think his record is stuck

You're off by one.

Be careful what you wish for. It might be Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!

December 1:

Geoffy, are you excited?

Oy vey

December 2:

2 people "like this"

I don't know who this "Eve" person is, but I think you're a bit obsessed wit 'er

methinks you are just copying, pasting and deleting one "eve" from your previous post. i don't believe you are actually putting in this effort. bah humbug

You're a mean one, Mr. Crump.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Crump.

You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce...and I wouldn't touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot POLE! (Mr. Crump)

December 3:

how many times did you lose count?

I think I'm starting to see a pattern here. The list is noticeably shorter than before.

just so you know,... i thought facebook sucked at news feeds and it was broken bc it kept saying you put this up as your status.

It's the facebook version of an advent calendar

Do you open the little windows on your calendar and find candy inside? Or am I the only one who did that as a kid?

(This is a reply comment from me); I did open the windows, but we never had candy involved. If I was any kind of programmer I would make an actual facebook advent calendar with the windows and such, but I'll make do with the status update.

I did not open windows, but had a calendar with candy on it! My mom made it, and now I have it for my son.. I actually finished putting candy on it BEFORE December started this year.. Heh..

December 4:

way to stick to this bit.

You are ny facebook advent calendar.
This also makes for a good countdown to the 10th doctor

Dec 26th...Geoff posts on Ebay...Keyboard for sale. Works good except E V keys broken.

This is totally unrelated - I performed the song I wrote for your roast for my roommate 2 days ago. Do you have the video of that event?

(reply comment posted by me); Corey - Yes, I should still have that VHS somewhere. I loved that song! Perhaps I'll watch it later today

Excellent! It brought back very fond memories of your drum skills!

STFU Crumpie! :-p

December 5:

1 person "likes this"

I'm going to punch you in the Christmas.

You're going on ignore until the start of Jan I think.

i'm thinkin.... so if 'eve' is the before word, find out the after word, and then do that after christmas in the other direction and then you can keep feedin' 'em and feedin' 'em until it's that one day where instead of adding another after word you flip back to 'eve's again. geoff, you could invent a whole new roman numeral system here!

we will be able to recognize the christmas solstice because you'll have swapped words again, and worst case you get a scheme for a free daily different facebook status.

December 6:

Hi Geoff. How are things going in the Bizarro world these days?

Ha your status only takes up two lines now...I'm in trouble!!

December 7:

I take it this exercise is to continue for a time...

I like it! It makes me smile every time....

oooh....i get it now.

You are a facebook advent calendar.

Geoff's diabolical plan is to write a book of all the various comments he can get from one nonsensical phrase. I'm not sure what the title will be...Going Rogue is already taken.

December 8:

1 person "likes this"

it's like those advent calendars except instead of getting to open a new thing every day, you just take words away.

I would rather get the daily piece of candy:)

December 9:

we're making progress!

Sigh.

How about Merry Xmas 4x4

This year I'm changing my name to The Jew Who Stole Christmas.

December 10:

your lack of "eve's" are making me think i should start christmas shopping.....

December 11:

christmas eve is nice, but i'm looking forward to summer's eve

(another reply post by me); For that nice... fresh.... feeling?

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve to you sir, as well!

this is giving me a sense of anxiety..its getting closer....am i ready? NO

Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Humbug

December 12:

1 person "likes this"

I don't like that the eve's keep getting shorter and shorter...

I agree with Melissa

Getting shorter...

December 13:

*no comments were posted and no one liked "this". Up to this point this was by far the most comments in a row I had gotten on facebook.*

December 14:

Almost all fits on one line, now!

You're funny!

You're an anti semite.

I finally got it Geoff...DUH

December 15:

I married a real winner!

You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly on our own point of view.

One line... Nice. I need to see that Caddyshack Biography too.

omg..i just realized that the whole "Eve" thing is a countdown to Christmas...can you say IDIOT?!?

Do you mean yourself or Geoff?.....Ü

me, silly:)

it's ok, he only does this twice a year.

December 16:

Glad it's getting closer, now I don't have to read so many Eve's on your status!!!! :-D

Maybe so, but you certainly are lacking the Christmas Spirit sir! Did the carolers mean nothing to you? Now go put on the christmas sweater and change your attitude! :)

LOL! Make it an UGLY Christmas sweater!! :-)

Oh it is! It is wonderfully ugly :)

Sweet!!! :-)

Have you repeatedly been posting this? Or am I waking up in a continuous loop (as in Groundhog Day)?

As a person who's done 0 shopping for her family, you are definitely the keeper of my time line. Happy Holidays!

December 17:

you're running low on eves

Oh wow...it's only one line of eves now!

December 18:

the lack of eves is beginning to make me realize i have alot to do in a week...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

December 19:

Happy St. Patty's Day to the 88th power

December 20:

Wow. That's getting really short!

Yes... really short. It hit me today that we're in the 20s... and it's this week.

December 21:

1 person "likes this"

we're getting so much closer....

Your status has been slowly killing me for days... I'm not ready!!!!

I'm not looking forward to dec 26ths post

Yikes!

And happy Boxing Day Eve Eve Eve Eve. That's the holiday people really look forward to.

December 22:

1 person "likes this"

I will only like this if you start December 26th.

December 23:

We're getting close now!

I'm worried about the 26th. FB won't allow enough characters for a status update with 364 "Eves"...

i literally thought - oh! - i should check geoff's page, it must be smaaallll! how exciting.

What will you do after Christmas Eve?

HEY...that's what Adam would have said to his wife today...except Christmas wasn't invented yet.

This bit is less funny the closer it gets to Christmas.

I am so woefully unprepared!

How would you say this to rapper Eve?

December 24:

3 people "like this"

now that must have been easier!

I wanted to log into Facebook, just to see this status update... That's how I knew we were in the Christmas season.. your updates.

You have been a very very busy ELF and we have all appreciated your what ...?? Oh I know your sillyness

I have thoroughly enjoyed watching the 'eves' dwindle! Thanks for the entertainment!

I've seen this message on many facebook statuses today. Geoff is a poseur and I do not appreciate it.

Geoff...if you'll stop with the Eves I won't come and beat you up.Deal?

What I Want For Christmas

Here are just a few things I want for Christmas this year:

Black work socks.

Underwear, size large.

A Snuggie, blue.

Money.

Power.

Pec implants.

Fame.

Fortune.

Calf implants.

All of my favorite foods fed to me by Selma Hayek.

My wife’s permission to let Selma Hayek feed me all my favorite foods.

Selma Hayek to cancel the restraining order she has against me.

To control my drinking problem.

For my bladder to be able to function when I am passed out.

A new pair of nice, clean pants.

A ski mask.

A handgun.

The work schedules, number of security officers, knowledge of peak hours and blueprint schematics for the bank near my house.

For the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

For the Kansas City Royals to win the World Series.

For Kansas City to schedule a parade for the Royals and the Chiefs and then cancel the parade and instead schedule a parade for my Fantasy Football Team, The Beermen.

Peace on Earth.

Goodwill toward men.

The respect that I deserve.

Anything else you think I might like, along with a gift receipt so I can return it and get a second Snuggie, which is for Selma Hayek.

Merry Christmas.

Sketchy Santas

I already blogged about this on my blogging Mother Ship, Clever Title, but I thought I would share here on the Robo blog as well.


'Why?' you ask. 'Are you too lazy to come up with something new?'


To which I reply, 'Hey, it's Christmas. Kiss my ass.'


And then you're all like, 'What the hell, man? Nobody's making you write anything. If you don't have anything to say, then don't say anything.'


'You think it's that easy?' I ask. 'You try.'


'Fine, I will: This morning, President Obama managed to take one more step down the road to health care reform. But after a dramatic 1:00 AM vote on the bill, at what cost has this victory been achieved? This writer believes..."


'All right all right, you made your point. Could you please just shut up and enjoy the Santa pics? Look:


'That's kind of funny, right?'


'Yeah, okay,' you concede. 'I'll let it slide this time, but next time you better come with your A-game, Topping.'


'I forgot to say, I'm going to be in Arizona next week so I probably won't post anything,' I confess.


'Typical.'

Sing [and go F] off!

NBC has a new show called "The Sing-Off!" It's a week long competition between various a capella groups from around the country. They are competing for a recording deal or something. It's just awful. I remember thinking a capella groups were cool, and even thinking about being a part of one. I don't know when I started hating them, but I hate them. I hate your stupid, cutesy covers of classic music and your feigned drama and emotion as you try to get that audition for that Broadway musical you always dreamed of in between getting ridiculed by high school meatheads. This show makes me genuinely furious. It fucking sucks. Also "Glee" is awful. I watched about 10 minutes of an episode and turned it before my brain melted into a puddle of boredom. I'd be more articulate but the video card on my laptop is slowly dying and it only works on the lowest VGA resolution setting so everything is giant and hard to read and internet pages don't fit on my screen properly. This ends my blog for today. I did it. So eat my nuts Othic, I love you.